Riku? Problems?
by Rain-chan
Summary: Riku has problems? Did he try to kill Sora multiple times? Nah. Well...what do I know? The only way you'll find out is to read! Yay! Warning: Excessive Craziness!
1. Not more fans!

This story is from Riku's point of view (well, duh). So...let the hilarity ensue!

Disclaimer: I keep forgetting to do these things. Don't sue me! I don't own anything! I don't even own a PS2!

I know, I'm bad. But I'm also pretty darn good-looking. So good-looking, in fact, that hordes of fangirls are always chasing me around, jeopardizing my precious face. They throw things at me! Me, Riku, used-to-be master of darkness! And worse, it's girly stuff like ice-pink lipstick and mocha-flavored lip-gloss. Both of which I, personally, find very tacky.

But what makes me even MORE angry, is the fact that I'm playing second-best to that goody-two-shoes Sora.

The kid wears clown shoes, for Pete's sake! He hangs out with GOOFY and DONALD! I got over them when I was, like, 5.

And even though he's such a nerd, people love him! The stupid story's about him! And yeah, sure, they gave me my own level on Chain of Memories, but still, you had to beat the game with SORA to get it! And all I ever did was fight bad-guys! No dramatic cut-scenes, no nothing! I get no respect!

Yet, the fangirls continue to pursue me. I have to admit, it's almost not worth it. They mob me. Every day! Every time I walk out of my house, look out my WINDOW even, they're there! Go mob Sora for once, he's the main character!

So, anyway, you'd figure that if all those ditzy girls love me, then Kairi would too. But nooooo, it's always Sora this, Sora that. 'Oh Riku, did you know Sora...' blah blah blah! Why Sora! I ask you again! WHY SORA!

It's not so much Kairi. She's just the straw that broke the camels back. If only I could break Sora's back...but this brings me to the root of all my problems.

Sora.

That annoying, naive little bumpkin with NO charm whatsoever! So, that led me to plan A.

To get on top of the game, Sora needed to be eliminated. And I don't mean no ticket to Mexico, either.

I mean ELIMINATED. Gone. Buh-bye! So long, sucker!

It was time to put plan A into action. Sora was running toward me at break-neck speed. Too bad it DIDN'T break his neck...

"Riku, I found something!" called Sora in his un-manly voice. If he's a hero, the least he could do is make his voice manly. He sounds like someone's kid brother.

Kairi's told me time and time again, 'That's what makes him so cute!'

Makes me sick.

Sora was getting ever closer. Time to put step 1 into action. I stuck out my foot just as he reached me.

Sora fell flat on his face.

Naturally, I laughed. In fact, I laughed, and laughed, and laughed...then I took a deep breath and laughed some more.

Sora sat up and wiped sand of his face. "Dang it, Riku, that's not funny!"

I put on a blank look. "What's not funny?"

"You tripped me!" said Sora, getting ticked off. Big whoop. Sora? Ticked off? Don't make me laugh.

"No I didn't." I crossed my arms.

"Yes, you did!" Sora had his 'angry face' on. Which is pretty much the same only he's frowning. REAL intimidating there.

"Prove it." Step 1...death by insanity.

"But...I..." Sora stuttered. It was so funny to watch him squirm.

"You what?"

"Tripped..."

"Man, you're so clumsy, Sora." I stood up and walked away. I was smirking as I heard Sora's confused babbling.

What an idiot.

Thus ends chapter 1. I hope you aren't too mad at me for being mean to Sora. I mean, I like him as much as the next person, but I thought it would be funny to-

Riku: Oh, so THAT'S what this is. It's all just a big game to you, isn't it?

Rain: What?

Riku: I TOLD YOU! It's always, Sora this, Sora that.

Rain: I-

Riku: Can't a guy get any respect?

Rain: You-

Riku: I'M the one who stayed behind the door with that annoying "King" Mickey!

Rain: I think it's time to-

Riku: BUT NO! SORA'S STILL THE ONE WHO GETS ALL THE STUPID CREDIT! JUST BECAUSE HE SAVED-

Rain: I think it's time to end this...later!


	2. Another Failed Plan

**Rain: I'm back! But unfortunately, I couldn't get rid of-**

**Riku: And when he was all, "Kingdom Hearts is light!"**

**Rain: He's been doing this all night. All day. All afternoon.**

**Riku: How would you know? You were at school.**

**Rain: Hey! He-**

**Riku: SORA! SORA! IT'S HIM AGAIN, ISN'T IT!**

**Rain: I think you're a little paranoid...here, this'll do you some good hands Riku paper**

**Riku: Don't own Kingdom Hearts, PS2...what IS this?**

**Rain: Just keep reading it.**

**Riku: OR Riku's problem. WHAT PROBLEM? It's Sora, isn't it! He-**

**Rain: If I owned it, I would have made it stop! covers ears I can't hear you, I can't hear you...**

* * *

I hadn't succeeded with step 1. So I guess I couldn't move on to step 2. Which meant I had to bag plan A. But not to worry! I have plan B!

Sora is just too perfect for his own good. 'Kingdom Hearts is light'...gimme a break.

So it was onto plan B. Which was, Death by Broken Heart. I would get Kairi to reject Sora for me! Then we'd all win! Well...Kairi and I would win...Sora would be dead. But that's the whole point!

So that afternoon, I walked up to Kairi, who was working on her homework on the beach.

"Hey, Kairi," I said, sitting down next to her.

"Hey," she said, not even looking up. See what I mean? If it had been SORA, she would've been all, 'Oh, Sora! Hi!'

"So, um, Kairi," I said, trying to think of step 1, plan B. I...hadn't quite gotten that far.

Kairi just kept on writing.

"What are you, uh, writing about?" I asked her.

"The negative influence of dating on young children," mumble Kairi.

"Uh, o k a y..." Then it hit me. Dating! Perfect way to bring up the subject. "So, Kairi, speaking of dating, you got any boyfriends?"

"No," Kairi didn't even flinch.

"Ah! So-"

"It would be way weird to have more than one boyfriend," she said.

Leave it to Kairi to correct the way I say something.

"All right, have any boyFRIEND, then," I amended.

"No," Kairi said again.

This time I waited for her to correct something. When she didn't, I continued.

"Well, then, Kairi, any crushes?" This one was sure to bring up something that I could use to my advantage!

"No." Kairi still didn't look up.

I didn't say anything.

Finally, she looked up. I thought she was going to ask me something, anything, but no. Do you know what she said? Do you know what Kairi said to me?

"You're still there?"

Yeah. THAT'S what she SAID. To ME. Riku. RIKU! I should have killed her when I had the chance. It would have been easy! And I would have, if that stupid SORA hadn't appeared.

So I stood up and left. So much for plan B.

* * *

**Rain: End of chapter-**

**Riku: How come my plans keep failing?**

**Rain: Because, it's a COMEDY.**

**Riku: So you're making my problems into one big laugh-session?**

**Rain: Well-**

**Riku: That's IT! (calls heartless) It ends here!**

**Rain: Uh...**

**Sora: Tada! It's me! The Keyblade master and hero!**

**Riku: What's HE doing here?**

**Sora: I'm delivering pizza and signing autographs.**

**Riku: So SORA gets autographs? When will it end?**

**Rain: Well...till next time, loyal readers!**


	3. Flying Monkeys and Banana Pudding

**It's next time! And this chapter is going to contain hilarity! As always. Tada! Woo! Woo! Hurrah! And starting now, there will be multiple plans in the chapters because they're too short.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Kingdom Hearts. It's as simple as that. Or the Beatles, or 'A Spoonful of Sugar'.**

* * *

Since both plan A and plan B had failed, it was time for plan C!

What's plan C, you ask? Hit Sora With an Anvil. Hey, just because it never works in that cartoon with the Coyote, doesn't mean it won't work for me. I have opposable thumbs.

After creating an elaborate plan involving six chickens, some rope, a burger, and, of course, an anvil. Don't ask me how they all tied together. I don't remember. It wasn't the most simple plan...

So I lay in wait for that nerd to walk by my trap. And, like clockwork, Sora came walking down the beach.

He spotted me, and called, "Hey, Riku!"

I sneered, which he must have taken for a smile, the simpleton. He came running over. I tugged on the end of the rope.

Nothing happened.

"What's that rope for, Riku?" asked Sora, that stupid grin on his face. If he had known, he probably would have kept grinning.

I tugged again.

Still nothing.

I was getting angry. So I tugged, and tugged, and tugged, and STILL nothing happened.

"Riku," said Sora, "You look kind of angry."

That was the last straw. I dropped the rope, grabbed Sora by the collar, and started screaming in his face.

"OF COURSE I'M ANGRY, YOU IDIOT!" I yelled. "YOU'RE THE HERO OF THIS STUPID GAME! WHY NOT ME! I LOOK WAY COOLER THAN YOU! AND WHEN I FINALLY GET THE POWER I DESERVE, YOU HAVE TO COME WALTZING IN AND SCREWING EVERYTHING UP!"

Sora looked like he was about to freak out. "What's your problem?" he asked, trying to get me to let go of him.

I responded with the utmost calmness. "You, you big fat loser, are my problem."

Sora had a blank look on his face. "I don't get you, Riku. You make no sense." I let go. He walked off.

I was left staring after him, my mouth hanging open. What the heck? Not only was this kid a loser, but he was an idiot!

It was then that I decided that to get rid of Sora, I would have to take drastic actions. More drastic than I had been, anyway.

And so came plan F! By skipping plan D, I had just kicked the danger level up a notch!

* * *

Plan D involved a flying monkey, a music box, the Beatles CD, and banana pudding. Why the pudding, you ask? Well, from personal experience, I know for a fact that Sora is unhealthily obsessed with any kind of pudding.

So, after setting up the intricately ingenious trap, I climbed up a tree and started to play a harmonica. Yes, I can play the harmonica. I know, I know, amazing. I know you're thinking, 'Wow, a guy with good looks AND musical talent!'

And, just like I thought, Sora came walking along, charmed by the sound of his favorite song, 'A Spoonful of Sugar'. Why he likes that song? I have no idea. I don't really think I WANT to know.

"Wow!" said Sora, looking at the pudding I had placed under the tree. "Pudding! I love pudding!"

Smiling, I pulled the rope that release the flying monkey. And, as far as I know, it worked. But for some reason, the flying monkey didn't take his squeaky-hammer and maul Sora like I had planned.

Instead, he came after me.

Sora sat there, the totally oblivious idiot he is, while I fell out of the tree, trying to skewer the stupid monkey with a sharp stick. Hey, it was the only thing I could find!

"Mmmmmm!" I heard him saying, while I was stabbing at the monkey. "I LOVE me a good pudding!" Then he stood up and walked away.

So now I had a broken arm, several bruises, and a fear of monkeys, and Sora had nothing but free pudding! How was I supposed to know that the sound of 'A Spoonful of Sugar' played on a harmonica angered flying monkeys! Talk about oddly specific.

I was left to myself to devise another, greater plan!

* * *

**Rain: Sorry, folks, but that's where I leave off for now. I have lots of other stories to finish! Quick, quick, quick!**

**Riku: Oh, so now I get mauled by a monkey!**

**Sora: I get pudding!**

**Riku: Of COURSE you get pudding, you loser!**

**Rain: Hey, I though I used the duct-tape on you!**

**Riku: Yeah, thanks, now my mouth is all sticky!**

**Sora: Mine is full of PUDDING!**

**Rain: Uh...yeah. Review! That's the only thing that keeps this story going! I love the reviewers!**

**Sora: Me too! I love you, reviewers!**

**Riku: And I'm sure they love SORA!**


	4. Bad Poetry and Mathematics

**Rain: Rain's back, all because of her loyal reviewers! **

**Sora: Could...you not talk in third-person?**

**Rain: Uh, yeah, sorry about that. Okay, then, since I got reviews, and it made me so happy, it's the next chapter!**

**Riku: You seriously have fun torturing me, don't you.**

**Rain: Yep! Thus...thusly. Cheerio!**

**Disclaimer: I own not the Kingdom Hearts. Sue you cannot. I'm the Queen of Not Owning Kingdom Hearts! (other Kingdom Hearts writers give dirty looks) Well, one of them...**

**

* * *

**  
After much calculating, I had calculated Sora's one true weakness.

What is his one true weakness, you ask?

Poetry.

Hey, don't ask how I figured it out. The whole night was one big blur, after I downed that spoonful of sugar. Like, hyperactive blur.

So, it was time for Plan E, aka Plan Get-Sora-To-Spontaniously-Combust-Due-To-Bad-Poetry. I know, I know, I know. Great, great plan. I could almost be called Albert-Whatsisname. Only I am much, much better looking, and I didn't die in 1822. Or...whenever this Albert guy died. You know, the one who discovered the Theory of Racecarism?

So, I made up the invitations, making sure to add just the right amount of cinammon scent, and mailed them out to Sora, Kairi, and a few other people, who's names I forgot because they aren't NEARLY as cool as I am. I made them with my mom standing over me, asking me if I had forgotten to take my medication. She ALWAYS asks me that. Lately, it's become really irritating.

* * *

The stage was set. Literally. It was draped with streamers in blue and yellow, the colors that make me the most handsome, if that's even possible. 

Sora, Kairi, and those other various people sat in various places around the room. One of them, the stupid kid from my island who's head looks like a dead chicken that was dyed orange, was talking to the stupid girl from my island about some retarded game. I could kill that kid. But remember, number-1 priority is Sora.

As soon as everyone was assembled, I stood up on stage. Man, I look good. Anyway, I stood up on stage, and grabbed the microphone.

"Hey, Sora, Kairi, and other various people," I started, when I was RUDELY interrupted by one of the anonymous people.

"HEY!" cried a various girl with a headband. Headbands are way lame. "It's YUFFIE! How could you forget ME!"

"Uh, right." I glanced at her in irritation. "Anyway, it's time for the mutual poetry reading. And our guest, Squall-"

"MY GOD!" shouted Squall. "HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU IDIOTS, IT'S LEON!"

Okay, LEON. So, Leon, after some stupid speech about his name, and how to remember it, which, by the way, nobody CARES about, he finally came up on stage. It was time for me to put my plan into action!

Who knew Leon could be so bad at poetry?

"There was a dog," he said, reading from a piece of paper. "It met a frog. They all tried to play leap-frog."

What the...he rhymed frog with FROG.

"They lived in a bog, and drank from a mug."

Bog and mug don't rhyme, you loser.

"One time I ate a slug. It was gross." He bowed. "The end."

Although it was painful to listen to, it was bad, all right, and hopefully was bringing Sora's demise ever-closer.

Imagine my joy, then, when I heard a crying sound from the back of the room. "Yes!" I whispered. "It's working!" For that was unmistakably the wimpy crying of Sora, the loser Keyblade master, who SHOULDN'T have been the Keyblade master in the first place, because I am much, much cooler.

But...

"That...that was beautiful!" sniffed Sora.

"WHAAAAAAT!" I screamed, picking up a chair. "No! No! No!" I threw it randomly, and, woops, it hit that chicken-head idiot.

"What was that for, ya?" he yelled.

His head must be hard as well as ugly.

But, they were on to me! So, I picked up my folder, which had my newly organized plans in it, and ran out the door.

* * *

I wasn't beaten! Not by a long shot! I won't lose to the likes of that...FREAK! It was time to put plan F into action! Which was, Death-by-Mr.-Chaffee, the dreaded Geometry teacher! This plan was SURE to work! I already knew that a lot of people had succumb to the evil Mr. Chaffee's...love of...MATH. 

So after various attempts to get Sora into the classroom, I finally just picked him up and threw him in there. He's that skinny. Tell me, what kind of chicken-legged little boy gets to be a hero? What's the world coming to?

"Hahahah!" I laughed. "Finally! Death by math!"

I probably shouldn't have shouted my plan out loud, because the word 'math' made Mr. Chaffee come running.

"Did you say you liked math?" asked Mr. Chaffee. For $3,000, his hearing aids sure don't work like they should.

"No, I-" I started, desperately trying to get out of the hole I had just jumped into. But, as fate would have it, I was doomed to another failed plan.

"My room's in 114," said Mr. Chaffee, dragging me by the arm to room...wait, 114! I had thrown Sora into room 113!

"113 is the Super-Mega-Fun Party Room!" Mr. Chaffee continued.

Great, so I had just thrown Sora into a room full of...fun. That was far from the end I wanted for him!

"But we all know that mathematics is a more worthwhile endeavor." Reaching a desk, Mr. Chaffee made me sit down. "Now, you know, my Ford is from 1970. And I-"

I could already feel my sanity slipping! I desperately tried to get out but...

The door was locked!

"That door's been stuck for quite a while, now." Mr. Chaffee was drawing circles and numbers on the board. "Sorry if my shapes are sloppy..."

The last thing I remember is hitting myself on the side of the head with a textbook, so I wouldn't have to hear him.

* * *

When Mr. Chaffee finally threw me out the door that miraculously came unstuck, I was rudely awakened by someone kicking me in the head. Apparently, people think this is funny. Am I supposed to be 'Dumb-Sidekick', or something! 

"Wow, Riku, thanks for showing me that cool room!" Sora grinned his stupid grin. "Too bad you didn't stay!"

I banged my head against the wall, trying to knock myself unconscious before I had to suffer more of that idiot's babbling.

* * *

**Sorry this chapter was so long in coming. Did you know Kingdom Hearts 2 is coming out soon? In March! I can't wait! Anyway, I'll really try hard to update more often! Sorry! And sorry if it's any shorter than the others...**  



End file.
